| very sad |
[Feb. 21st, 2006|01:42 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
sitting here, cleaning my room... putting away all the laundry i did today... I ran across a lot of old notebooks from last year. I was going through them, and i found some old notes from turbotax. I couldnt help but get nostalgic. i couldnt help but remember how perfect life was.. and it was only a year ago.
i read the book on psychometry, and doing reading through touch.. so i did one to see how I was really feeling at the time I was taking those notes. I was bored.. but i'm thinking that it was just because of the notes i was taking and not the time. i got overwhelmed with happiness, and excitement. i was flooded with feelings that i was where i was supposed to be. I didnt want to open my eyes at all. i didnt want to get rid of that feeling; not even for a second. I cant believe how much i've missed it. a feeling of being worth something; the feeling that i was making something of myself.. the feeling of knowing i was loved by everyone around me. just knowing that it was a lasting feeling.
but i opened my eyes. i came back to reality. i looked over and saw brad. he wasnt sitting in my room for me.. he was sitting there because i didnt need to use my computer. he was on his phone.. not paying any attention to me or the fact that my back hurt. he was lost inside that retarded galaxy of himself and the people that are apparently more deserving of attention than the one who pays for the phone he takes advantage of in the firstplace.
i dont think i've ever been made to feel so low. so worthless. so used. and yet my conscience still gets the better of me and allows me to allow this to continue becuase i cant see him out on the street somewhere in the freezing cold. or without food. or without money. i dont wanna be the bad guy and take the phone away because then he'd hate me and it wouldnt even really be my fault.
i thought that trying to fix this would be so much better than it is. i thought that continuing my project would make me feel better. make me feel less like i've failed and more like i've stuck with a goal and didnt let it go. the only thing its making me feel like is used and worthless. i try so hard to stick with it but its so hard. i try to get to the bottom of everything and change the situation but it only works for a few minutes. then its right back to normal. i can usually accept people for the way that they are.. so i dont know why i cant accept that this is how it is. i dont understand why i keep trying to help someone who makes me feel like i am nothing and that what i think and what i feel means nothing.
i thought that getting back to sutherland and getting back to the people and the place that started my whole deal about feeling good about myself would help so much. i thought that even though that place wasnt eactly my dream job.. that getting back to the fun people, and the familiarity of it would help. cingular is nothing like turbotax. the people arent the same. the room isnt the same. the cubies arent the same. its a world all in itsself inside of sutherland. or maybe turbotax was a world inside itsself. maybe it wasnt sutherland at all. i dont know. i'm a mess right now. do you think he even notices? nope. hes too busy out there on his phone... waiting for me to go to sleep so he can use the computer... totally ignoring me and totally being inconsiderate. completely oblivious to the fact that i am completely miserable with him in my life... despite the fact i've told him time and time again. he does nothing to rectify the situation. he tells me i'm crazy when i know i'm not... and that's when i say that i cant do it anymore. i'm always crazy. i'm always a bitch. i'm always wrong.
who could stand living like that? he only comes in my room to see me when i'm not on the computer.. and then he doesnt even talk to me; hes always on the phone... he cant wait for me to go to work so he can take my car... and go see all those random sluts that matter so much more than i do. i spend my money; then he gets some and tells me over and over again how he spent some on me at the bar. i still have yet to see last months phone bill thats going to be $300 becuase i had to up the plan to cover the overages, and theres still $100 over anyways. i checked him on that and he said it was my fault too.
i need help getting myself out of this situation. i need help getting myself back. i cant do this alone i dont think. but who can really be there for me like i need them to be? the only perosn that has that capability is the one person who i need help getting out of my life.
if i would have known i was going to have to treasure my jail visits then i would have made sure that i made it a much bigger priorety; and not looked at it as a temporary issue standing in the way of my perfect future of moving to FL and starting over with the one person who is supposed to know me better than i know myself. the saddest part is that i seemed to be the only one paying attention to the details. |
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